John Staples, 29, was disappointed to find out the marketing job he applied for was a little more interactive than he bargained for. The Yale School of Management was searching for new positions on Monster.com late last year when he came across a listing that looked promising: it allowed for flexible hours, required “people skills,” and offered a commission based on sales brought in to the business.
Unfortunately for Mr. Staples, the job actually involved standing on 44th and 5th, wearing two cardboard signs advertising a designer mens’ suits “sample sale” around the corner.
“I really got played, but I need a job,” said Staples.
TIMES SQUARE– “This is our first time coming to New York City,” says 27 year old Jane Belmont. She, along with her husband Steve, 30, will be attending the ball drop festivities this Monday night. The couple is in town from Charleston, South Carolina.
But what they are looking most forward to might surprise you.
“Yeah we are excited about seeing the lights, the Broadway shows, all that stuff,” said Steve. “but we are must excited about being part of the sea of people in Times Square, not being able to move for hours, and most of all, peeing ourselves in the middle of NYC. That’s the tradition we are most eager to be a part of.”
According to Jane and Steve, they came prepared with a twelve pack of adult diapers, and plan to wear rubber pants to the event itself.
“We’re going to be there for a while,” Jane said. “so we’re better off just going on ourselves, it’ll also keep us warm on the cold night.”
The Belmonts said they were invited to several parties, but declined all of them because all the venues had working restrooms.
UPPER EAST SIDE– All Abe Goldschwartz wanted was a simple Christmas. After enjoying a delightful afternoon at the movies seeing The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, he rushed home to enjoy his favorite food – Lo Mein and Sesame Chicken. His wife Marsha called every Chinese food restaurant in the Upper East Side. With no luck, Abe and Marsha ventured out, finding out every Chinese food establishment had run out of food.
Abe rallied fellow Israelites and begin throwing rocks, chairs, and anything they could find at the front entrance of Szechuan Happiness. The store was badly damaged and 17 people were arrested. Abe is currently out on bail and was seen spending his Christmas eating taquitos at the local 7-Eleven.
UNION SQUARE– A young tourist couple, Bob and Jane Martin from South Carolina, were astounded to find out that the overweight black man who walks around Union Square wearing a t-shirt saying “Ask me about the numbers” has absolutely no clue what they mean, referring to the continuous countdown that displays on the corner of 14th St. and 4th Ave.
“We’ve been staying at the W, so we see this everyday,” said Jane. “We’ve been dying to know what it’s all about.”
And when they found the man claiming to have the answer, they thought they would finally get it. But when he quickly started stuttering and fumbling his answer, the Martins quickly realized this guy doesn’t know shit.
“We figured that if this guy is willing to advertise that he knows something, he must really know it,” Bob told us. “He started talking about trees and a forest and an orb with a window to the crescent moon and it makes couples make out–complete wack-job this guy.”
When the man asked for a donation after he finished his explanation, the couple laughed and walked away.
UPPER WEST SIDE — After a recent rainy day, sidewalk umbrella salesmen everywhere have realized that no self-respecting New Yorker would pay $10 for one of their crappy umbrellas.
“Sales have really plummeted,” said a local salesman who asked not to be identified as he operates his business without a license. “After all the rain we’ve had this season, people have realized how shitty our umbrellas are and stopped buying them.” The salesman plans to move his umbrella business to a more tourist-heavy area, like Times Square.
Ella Post, 34, said she once bought an umbrella on the street, but only once. “Never again,” said Ms. Post. As soon as it got windy the umbrella started flapping. I was like Mary freaking Poppins. I’d rather carry an overpriced umbrella from Duane Reade like everyone else. Either that, or just get rained on.”
Damnit… Missed him again…
LONG ISLAND CITY — Century 21 isn’t the only place with fashion worth fighting for!
YSL held its exclusive sample sale yesterday in Long Island City, where a fight broke out among two Manhattan women over a handbag priced at $800. According to multiple witnesses, Christina Brown, 37, wrangled a handbag away from Elena Potter, 33, and smacked her with it several times, repeatedly saying “HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW?!”
When reached by phone at her TriBeCa apartment, Ms. Brown assured us that she had the bag first. “I live in Manhattan now, but I was raised in the Bronx,” she said. “I don’t mess around with that shit. She was jonesing for the bag I was holding and I told her if she tried to take it from me she would get her ass beat, and that’s exactly what happened.”
It is not known if any charges will be filed. Asked if she thought the ordeal was worth it, Ms. Brown replied, “Of course. This bag is limited-edition.”
TIMES SQUARE — NYC tourists are shocked to discover that New York City, like their hometowns, also has a sky.
Several tourists from all around the world blocked traffic today on Fifth Avenue and in Times Square as they took zillions of pictures of the sky in New York to upload to Facebook and Twitter.
“I don’t get it,” said Jane Miller, 31, whose walk home from work should only take 10 minutes, but took 45 today. “Didn’t these tourists know that the sky is everywhere?” Added Ms. Miller, “It really pisses me off. I don’t come stand in front of your car when you’re trying to get to work. Keep moving or get off the damn sidewalk.”
No tourists that speak English were found to comment on this story.
UPPER EAST SIDE– While teenaged and twenty-something girls across the country are still wondering how they will fill their Monday nights following the series finale of Gossip Girl, one Upper East Sider, 27-year-old bar manager Charles Bass, couldn’t be happier.
“It’s been hell for the last 6 years,” Bass told NYC Problems. “People think I’m actually him, like I order Asian hookers all the time and snort coke off their asses or something. I’m just a normal guy.”
According to Bass, he didn’t even realize why people were so fascinated with him until a few seasons in. “People would always ask me, ‘Who are you?’ and naturally, I’d respond, ‘I’m Chuck Bass,’” He said. “I always wondered why everyone would start laughing until I randomly caught an episode on TV one day. I was completely oblivious.”
Now that the show has reached its conclusion, Chuck, along with his father Bartholomew and uncle Jack, hopes they could all go back to their normal lives.
Bass did later admit that he likes Asian hookers from time to time, but swears that’s the only similarity he bears to the fictional character.
Cooler than the other side of the pillow…